No Claims

34^th verse

The Great Way is universal;

it can apply to the left and to the right.

All beings depend on it for life;

even so, it does not take possession of them.

It accomplishes its purpose,

but makes no claim for itself.

It covers all creatures like the sky,

but does not dominate them.

All things returns to it as their home,

but it does not lord it over to them;

thus, it may be called “great.”

The sage imitates this conduct:

By not claiming greatness,

the sage achieves greatness.

A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with my eldest daughter. For the benefit of teaching a lesson, I asked for her experience of me. I wasn’t expecting that one of the things she said was that she sometimes experienced me as being self-righteous. I don’t think I visibly flinched but it hurt. It has been about two years that I have been consciously working on giving up my nerd’s desire to be right. I thought for sure I had made some progress. So, of course, ever since she said that, I have been paying attention to the conversations I have with others and with myself. It turns out, I try to be right a lot more often than I thought.

I’ve examined my prices and they are huge. When I am determined to be right, I lose the respect of those around me. I stand in a place that makes them wrong. They get to feel that they don’t matter. It is the red and black game all over again. I get to build walls that don’t allow people to approach me with their thoughts for fear that I will make them wrong. This feeds another huge payoff for me: I get to avoid intimacy. Nowhere do I pay a price higher than I do with my family. I have been fortunate enough that my work on myself has really allowed me to have open enough relationships with my kids that they feel comfortable enough to tell me how it is that I am showing up. There is still so much work to do and so many more people to get to that place with.

Synchronicity

There are no coincidences. On the thirty-first of the August when I was to pick my verse for the month of September, I happened to be furious. Something happened that spun me directly in to the middle of my being-right conversation. I knew what I needed to do. My daughter made a decision I did not like. This was just unacceptable and I was not going to stand for it. She would see my way (or the highway). There is no way she was making this “mistake.” I would not allow it.

I was flustered and not thinking clearly. I called my coach for support: voicemail. I called a friend for support: voicemail. Then I remembered I needed to pick a new verse anyway so I would just open the Tao and see if it would speak to me.

It did (of course.)

[The Tao] accomplishes its purpose,

but makes no claim for itself.

It covers all creatures like the sky,

but does not dominate them.

Again, the message was clear: LET GO. Why is it so hard to surrender? Why is it so unreasonable to hold someone in a place where I trust that they will make the best decision for themselves without my help? Why do I think my opinion is so indispensable? Am I not merely making assumptions about what is best for them anyway? I get that my assumptions are based on experiences that I hold to have some validity. That still only makes my assumptions plausible, maybe even probable but certainly not definite.

Instead of choosing to demand an action, I chose to give her a tool. We talked about payoffs and prices. The outcome is not important. What was important was that she made a decision with full awareness of what her decision making process was. This gave us both peace. I had done what I could. I held her big. I trusted her. I did not force.

To live this verse for this month I get that I get to be trusting. I do not own anything or anyone but myself. I do not get to tell people what to do. I can still be 100% responsible, 100% of the time but I get to make no claim for myself.

It is not about me. It is about service. It is about being in service. As I am in service, I inspire. As I inspire, I create a shift. As I create a shift, I serve and create my vision. It is all about who I am being. This month I will be humble with my judgments and my advice.