Verse 54
Whoever is planted in the Tao
will not be rooted up.
Whoever embraces the Tao
will not slip away.
Generations honor generations endlessly.
Cultivated in the self, virtue is realized;
cultivated in the family, virtue overflows;
cultivated in the community, virtue increases;
cultivated in the state, virtue abounds.
The Tao is everywhere;
it has become everything.
To truly see it, see it as it is.
In a person, see it as a person;
in a family, see it as a family;
in a country, see it as a country;
in the world, see it as the world.
How do I know this is true?
By looking inside myself.
I have tested this verse to it limits this month. If this journey is the anchor that serves to keep me grounded I get to plant it a bit deeper. I made a reference some months ago about being the queen of avoidance. I still hold that title close to my heart.
When am I really happy and excited at work? When I am stressed at home.
When do I struggle to go to work and somehow find ways to hang out at home? When I am stressed at work.
When do I stay up later than normal? When I am having recurring nightmares.
I am a master of creating distractions.
So why haven’t I blogged in over three weeks? Because I have been avoiding being dishonest. How could I possibly sit down and truly write about how enlightened I feel as I contemplate this verse when in reality I am feeling foggy and confused?
Many moons ago I caught wind of the story in the tabloids about Tom Cruise criticizing Brooke Shields for taking medication to deal with her Post-Partum depression. The public crucified him as insensitive and out of touch. On some level, I agreed with him.
Because I do believe that in this country we tend to over medicate, I made a blanket judgment about a condition I knew little about. I didn’t get that until this past month. I have self-diagnosed myself (because I am avoiding going to see a doctor) with post-partum depression. I am not sure why this has been so hard for me to admit. I think it may have even started while I was still pregnant. It was during my pregnancy that I started to disconnect from my life. I stopped getting together with my friends and avoiding my family. I managed to always have something come up: a cold, a migraine, a sick child. None of these were lies or exaggerations; they were just things I managed to create at the right time.
I told you I was powerful.
Once Jackson was born, the pregnancy excuse was gone and I expected to go back to my normal self. It’s been nine months and I’m still waiting. What made things come to light was when my Leadership Program ended. I will explain.
When Tori was born ten years ago I didn’t hesitate to immediately enroll in graduate school. Who in their right mind enrolls in graduate school while employed full time with a new born baby? A woman desperate to avoid something. The graduate school lasted a year and a half and by the time it was over, I was all better. I was so busy those 18 months I hardly had time to deal with what was underneath all my escaping.
I did the same thing when Jackson was born this year. As soon as he was done breast feeding, I enrolled in a Leadership Program that I knew to be time and emotionally intensive. No time to get depressed when you are busy saving the world. It was a perfect avoidance strategy. Too bad the rug got pulled out from under me when the class ended unexpectedly. I now understand why I was so upset when it was over.
Since the end of LP, I have had some trouble reconciling my feelings. It is like I have been in a fog for two months, just going through the motions and trying not to drive my car into a canal every other day. I get now that depression, post partum or otherwise, is real and incredibly difficult. It really is just like in the commercials for anti-depressants: I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to have social interactions, and everything bothered me. Bright lights would hurt my eyes; a light touch would actually cause physical pain.
The hypersensitivity was unbearable. It made me jumpy and irritable, which would cause me to get mad at myself for having a short fuse, which would cause me to get more depressed. I didn’t recognize the person that was in my head. The daily thoughts I was having would frighten most of you. The scariest part was the anger I felt. I have felt sad in the past but I haven’t been angry like that since I lived at home as a teenager. The rage was eating me up.
I don’t know what gave me the clarity but I finally understood what was happening a week ago. I thought about my behavior and connected the dots. Once I understood what was happening, I felt better. I am still a little sad and I plan on seeing a doctor but the fog is finally lifting.
So I guess the opening of this verse has served me well:
Whoever is planted in the Tao
will not be rooted up.
Whoever embraces the Tao
will not slip away
.
I have wavered but I have not fallen or been blown away. Even through the dark path I am ending now, I always knew there was a bigger purpose.
There is no breakthrough without a breakdown.
Bring on my breakthrough. I am grateful for this experience for it has allowed me to see a part of myself that I did not want to confront and I am all the better for it.
So this wasn’t necessarily hard to write although I believe it may be hard to actually post. Being open about not being in a good place is not comfortable for me. I am a controller, remember? Part of what I am always trying to control is what you think about me. I am, after all, just a 14 year old inside.
81 Months in Contemplation 
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